finally i've reached the home stretch. only a few more obstacles stand between me and the end now. i'm not feeling as relieved or as happy as i thought i would.



perhaps not yet. need to let the realisation sink in.



hope it's all smooth sailing from here to the finish line.

"So I didn't go to church in China. But sometimes when I saw a bird in the grass I dropped to my knees and marveled as it twitched there."

- Paul Theroux, "Riding the Iron Rooster"

i have a toothache.



actually its the bulge of swollen gum that partly covers my wisdom tooth that hurts.



like a bitch.



i haven't been eating that much because the pain that comes with the eating outweighs the hunger that i feel. even porridge feels too hard to put it in my mouth. thing is, i can't clench my teeth together. they're permanently apart and i keep my tongue in between them so that i won't clamp down and chomp on my swollen gum. yes i know that i might gnash my tongue instead but when the pain is so prevalent in my left cheek i'd risk another organ to prevent it.



as a result of my not being able to grit my teeth together, i look like i am pursing my lips or have a really large sweet in my mouth. and, i have to talk with the most horrible lisp. also because of my inability to express myself properly, for some reason my voice is deeper. like how when you are in no mood to talk and can't be bothered to move your lips.



it's a constant agony to be always hungry and in pain at the same time. it's always the battle between eat-and-wince or suffer-in-hunger. and whenever i give in to my stomach, eating makes it hurt so much that i do not finish what i'm eating and spend considerable time grimacing and frowning.



know the term gritting your teeth to take the pain? that doesn't apply here.



where's the novocaine?

i think for the past month and a half or so, i have spoken less than i have spoken in my recent life. well, it's not like i usually blabber on and on and shoot my mouth off incessantly, but i have kept to myself more than usual.



weirdly, i didn't feel depressed or down or whatever. i actually felt kind of peaceful, some sort of peaceful, not speaking so much. maybe its like how a vow of silence teaches you stuff like inner peace and all that. but this lack of vocal interaction with people i see everyday really just chills me out.



just laying back and taking in the experience without the need to vocalise what im thinking or what i want to say. it's a pretty good feeling.



but i don't think this would be as fun if my day to day routine is filled with drudgery and boredom. i think it'd get me pretty down and out.



very soon, my life will be filled with that kind of day to day drudgery and boredom, and i can't say i dont want it. need some sort of stability for a while.



guess i better talk a bit more now.

i've just come back from my little stint in the jungle and suddenly it seems that the war is over.



what the hell? this war felt like no-war to me. all over in about a month. all the showing by america. none by iraq. or at least that's what the newpapers are letting on this time.



well i can't comment much on this cos i wasn't really around the whole time it was raging in the middle east. maybe it was overshadowed by the SARS thing.



right now the terrorist threat that was on everyone's minds not so long ago seems too far away.

some people see green. some people see blue. me? i see blue.





anyways its about time i left. i just wanted to leave something here before i leave the house. some sort of a desperate shout out to make my presence known so that i won't feel like i've wasted my time out. it's turning out to be another hopelessly confusing, and rambling plea. think i better go.





here's something fun to read. Commander Kitty.

today as i was making some purchases, the cashier, a kindly, middle-aged malay man, told me, "No TV ah! Do homework!."



i smiled at him and walked off feeling slightly amused.



i dont blame the guy. i mean i was wearing my old school tee(as is old school uniform t-shirt and not some super trendy old school fashion piece). but this is the first time anyone has implied that i look younger than i am because ever since i was out of school, anyone who's had anything to say about how i look has said i look older than i am. i don't know whether to feel down about that or not.



i'm right now on a little break before i resume on with my course. i think it's kinda well-deserved. and it sure feels good to just laze and chill out at home after so long.



i don't have much time left around these parts.

after minimal snooping around i've managed to find out what a pon pon is...well at least what it could be.

click here to find out.

"If you kept the small rules you could break the big ones."

- George Orwell, "1984"